oceans

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I didn’t realise how fast time passed. It’s already March and I feel like I have barely gotten over the fact that we’re currently in the 22nd year of the 21st century. The last life update I gave was in 2020, during a lockdown due to a worldwide pandemic. I suppose it is only apt to give another one now.

I am currently in a season of transition and waiting.

Waiting to start college and transition into tertiary education.
Waiting for the time to make a decision as to which path I should take for my future.
Waiting for God to open doors and tell me where I should go.

I’m standing in the middle of a million crossroads. There are so many fields, courses, universities, and directions I could choose to walk towards yet I feel stuck, unsure if the next step I take will be the right one. Trying to delay the moment that I have to make the choice until time and circumstances force me to.

I felt alone, confused, and frustrated. Why can’t choosing a course/career path be easy and simple? Why do there have to be so many options? Despite the large number of options, why can’t I seem to find one that I am sure of? Why is researching for information about universities and courses so difficult? Why is it taking so long for God to send me an answer when I’ve prayed the same prayer and offered the same requests every night?

Questions, doubts, and worries buzzed through my mind, barely giving me a break and making my heart heavy. I carried this burden around with me for a while. I even had to tell my mum to stop sending me information about universities at one point because I couldn’t handle it if I read so much but got nowhere with what I read. That isn’t how research works but I was too discouraged.

I slowly began to doubt if God was still there for me. I wondered if I would have to make a regretful and unsure decision a few months down the road all by myself if He still hadn’t given me an answer by then. To be totally honest, I felt a little bit abandoned.

But life had to carry on as usual. My days now consisted of going to work at 2 different jobs (one in the mornings and one in the afternoons only on a few days a week) and if my afternoons were free I would watch some k-dramas or research universities. At least I could distract myself for a few hours everyday with work.

One day at work, a most peculiar thing occurred. There were no customers around so all the staff were chilling and doing their own things. Usually there is secular music playing in the background and that evening, pop songs that you hear on the radio were being blasted. As one song faded out, the next one started. To my utmost surprise, Oceans by Hillsong United began to play. I nearly sprained my neck from looking up from my phone so quickly. I was terribly confused at first and looked at my coworkers to see if they noticed or if they would go to change it. They seemed unbothered.

I was utterly perplexed. There was no way the other staff put on a Christian playlist. And I was confident that all the other songs that played and would be played were secular. I was right.

For the next few minutes I just sat there and listened to the song as a gradual, growing realisation hit me. This was the answer. The answer to all the prayers I had been praying. Although it was not the answer I expected, it was still a response. It was like God was telling me that even though the future holds an indefinite amount of uncertainty, He is still there. He would be right by my side as I face the rough tides. Things are going to take place which will make me doubt Him again and again but if I fix my eyes on Him, my faith would become stronger. It will challenge me to break the boundaries of my trust in Him. To trust Him so much that I don’t even think twice about whether I should trust Him. To just continue trusting in Him with all my heart and believe that He will work everything out in His way and in His perfect timing.

I can always run to Him because He will never fail to catch me. I am His, and He is mine.

***

Several weeks have passed since then. I can’t say that life has become much easier, or that I suddenly feel super confident for my future. I still have the same fears and anxiety that crop up whenever I think about my future studies and what I’m doing now to contribute to my final decision. It will be scary, not knowing what I’m heading into. It will be scary, only knowing the next few steps. It will be scary, only being able to see part of the picture. But I continue to remind myself of this hope that Jesus has given me, that He holds my hand as I walk through the valleys and as I ascend to the mountaintops. He will give me the courage I need and enable me to do greater things for His name.

Of course I wished for a direct answer but that isn’t always possible. In fact, it’s better that I have reassurance that no matter what comes my way, I will have someone more powerful and capable than myself to help me to handle and accompany me through it.

To you, whoever and wherever you are, reading this whenever, the same is possible for your life. If you feel lonely, lost, and in need of a satisfaction that you cannot bring to yourself, I encourage you to call upon His name. He will meet you wherever you are, whether you are in the desert or in the mystery of the deep blue sea.

Take care ❤

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