i have no idea what i’m doing sometimes

The title is sort of a lie. I have no idea what I’m doing most of the time.

Most days, I struggle with what I want to do during the day. Yeah, I always attend my online classes. When it ends at 3pm, what then? Usually I just go on my phone and relax. Fair enough. What then? I study or do homework or read. What then? I exercise. What then? I shower and have dinner then go on my phone again. Or study and read a bit more first. What then? Bedtime. Rinse and repeat for the next day and the next and the next and-

Life’s a routine. At least that’s what my life has been recently. I don’t mind it, to be honest. I like knowing what’s happening next. I like having an assurance that my life is productive and I didn’t just waste 40 minutes looking at tik toks that make me laugh out loud.

When I do what I want to do spontaneously instead of doing what I “need to do” on my digital to-do list, I immediately feel guilty afterwards because I could have used that time to complete at least a task on the to-do list. Then I comfort myself by saying I still have time to do it, but always end up at the same spot.

But that’s the thing. I don’t want to confine myself to that measly to-do list. I don’t want it to control my life. Yeah, it’s okay to have some goals in the day to accomplish so that the day isn’t wasted in that sense. But that isn’t all that I want to do. So sometimes I end up wasting time and just sit for a good 10 minutes having a mental battle of whether I should go on Pinterest or read that book or help my mum with chopping vegetables. The last option is probably the safest.

Take right now for instance. I was supposed to start writing an article for a writing competition, but then I looked at the list of what I wanted to get done during the school holidays (which only last until the coming Monday) and realised I hadn’t touched my blog in forever. So here I am, typing out a jumble of feelings for random strangers to read and guilt-tripping myself cause it feels like I’m wasting my time away.

The other day, I saw this quote on someone’s IG story which said-

“Self care is a form of productivity.”

Man, that hit me like a truck coming at a 120kph. I mean, the fact that I can remember that quote must mean that it have some sort of impact on me right? Right.

What exactly is self care? I think it differs from person to person. For someone, it might mean going for a walk in the park. For another, it might mean just curling up in fluffy blankets and binge-watching episodes of their favourite series or just taking a fat nap like the featured image depicts.. For someone else, it might mean doing whatever they want, without feeling like they are wasting their time. Whatever it may be, it can be their form of productivity. Overworking yourself with to-do lists and tasks and activities can go from productive to burnout real fast. Take it from someone who didn’t even realise how worn out she was until she was forced to stay at home cause of an invisible virus.

So this holiday, I’m trying to realign my priorities. Filtering through my to-do list everyday and deciding which ones I really really really need to get done for the day, and knowing which ones I have the liberty to do as and when I please. (keeping deadlines in mind of course) I think I’m slowly getting better, but it’s a constant process. It’s hard to break out of a prison you’re comfortable with, no matter how toxic it may get. And of course, always remembering to rest in the Lord.

Wow, I haven’t written a blog post that I felt so strongly about in a long time. Dang, it feels good. I’m glad I didn’t decide to delete this blog after all. And if you’ve stuck around, thank you. I might not know you but you’re appreciated.

That’s all for today, friends. Remember that it’s okay to work but remember to take care of yourself too. They’re both equally important and productive 💗✨

Talk To Starling

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